Every breath we drew was “Hallelujah”

Almost exactly one year ago, I was lead through an experience that completely brought to light where I truly was with my spirit, and I was shocked at what came up.  This song was what lead me (us) into the experience…Hallelujah by Jeff Buckley.  Every time I hear the song, it reminds me of how far I’ve come since then and what my spirit has been able to endure.  I feel a soft strength within me whenever I sit and listen to it, and it’s there for me whenever I need that gentle reminder.  I also believe that whenever it may come up without me prompting it to means that there is something in my life going on that needs that same reminder, as it just did…

So about the experience…a workshop was hosted called Qoya that mixes dance with yoga (an obvious draw to anyone that knows me even just a little bit).  One of the last parts of this workshop was this particular experience.  We were asked to start at the back of our mats, heels touching the edge.  We were then given the entire song to move from the back of our mat to the front in complete free movement, with encouragement to close our eyes as to keep the experience internal and without judgement.  However, there was a catch to this…your movement was to reflect the last year of your life.

So at the time when this workshop happened, my life had recently done a complete 180.  Unfortunately this particular shift had put many questions and doubts into my head and had brought up A LOT of very unpleasant feelings; nothing about that last year (and for a long time before then) held space for anything I wanted to look back at, and asking me to revisit this was something I was by no means ready to do, nor did I want to at all.  But, just like life had done, the music started and you just had to move forward.

I found my heels completely glued to my mat…I was totally frozen and almost immediately began to cry.  I physically placed the command in my head, “left foot, lift,” and got no response from my foot.  I had brought myself back to that year earlier and couldn’t find it in myself to move.  Everything in me was heavy and sad.  I remember feeling like it was impossible to find movement.  I was scared at what would happen, physically, emotionally, spiritually etc.  All I knew was the back of my mat.  My insides literally shook and I quietly sobbed.  After having to probe myself repeatedly with commands, my foot peeled off my mat and stepped forward and then almost immediately returned backwards.  This happened several times…two steps forward, one step back.  I think it was about halfway that I just dropped down to my mat.  I felt exhausted at the pull I was experiencing and really did NOT want to keep moving.  I had to remind myself that this moment was NOT the same moment as a year ago, that this was just my mat, that this space was safe.  With the same confidence that I found in myself in consciously leaving behind what had held me back a year before, I stood up and began moving forward, this time without stepping backwards.  When I found this, my movement become larger and lighter.  By the time I had reached the top of my mat, I felt totally free and in my power.  I felt complete, relieving happiness.  I was so surprised how difficult I found the whole experience to be.  I did not realize how terrified I was to fall back to where I had been.  I also had not known that at the time (the year before) that I had felt as if I could not move from where I was, that where I was was the only thing I knew and the only place I could be.

Almost 2 years later, I hear this song and it gives me the same reminder.  Stand in your power…know your worth.  And today, I needed this.

I do hope that if you’ve read my entry up to this point that you’ve considered the gentle reminders in your life that may provide you the same type of comforts and strength.  I hope that these tools are just as accessible to you as a song.  And most importantly, I hope that if you can (unfortunately) relate to anything in this entry at all, that you too have found your power.

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