I was zoned out in my car, driving my usually routes where there is just enough time to really sit and settle on a topic in my brain that I can ponder over for a little bit, when I started reflecting a lot about who I am to myself versus who I am to others in my life. I remember one of the most hurtful things I had ever been told in my life was, “I do not see in you what the rest of the world sees.” This was primarily hurtful because it was coming from someone I thought knew me better than anyone, that I had trusted with all the ins and outs of my being. However, I had carried the comment with me for a while until I began work with releasing it. I had not thought about it again for a very long time until the other day in my car after I had been meditating on my Solar Plexus chakra (when I meditate, I allow whatever needs to come up to come up because usually it’s what is needed). However, when I reflected back on it, I was surprised with what came up.
Initially when I used to reflect back on this, I would always point it back to myself and wonder how it was that I might appear that way and what it was that I was doing etc. This time when I reflected on it, that second intuitive voice popped right into my head before I even gave myself a moment to sit on it, and it asked me, “well…have you changed since then? It is true?” and the answer to myself was “no, I have not changed, but I appear to have, it’s never been true.” Honestly, this conversation that was happening between my head and my heart really surprised me. When I answered with that, I scrunched my face and asked myself where that answer came from. So I reflected on that instead. What makes me say that I haven’t changed? I most certainly have gone through a substantial amount of growth and thrown myself into some pretty incredible experiences that opened many new and different doors. But all that aside, when I sit in my body and in my mind and in my heart, it is no different today than it was then and here’s how…
I have always been immensely spiritual as well as very intuitively intelligent. However, I stood in my own way this whole time and I have since redirected my focus to break down that wall. I did not give myself the opportunity to surround myself with positive, uplifting energies because I silenced what was in my heart – the core of my being. The things I believed, felt, and knew in my heart I kept quiet because of the space I held for others around me. I have always been terribly afraid of appearing stupid. Ever since I can remember, I physically spoke less because I was afraid of what I would say and who I was saying it to. I definitely grew much more vocal past the age of 18 but still remained quiet about topics I felt caused controversy. However, when I was presented with the space to be alone (not in the physical “by myself” sense, but in the “unattached” interpretation of the manner), and when I settled in and allowed myself to be on my journey, on my own, I hadn’t realized that what I was doing was actually giving myself permission to connect to a whole other intuitive level that I had suppressed for so long — I found my voice.
So circling back to my initial thought – would someone look at me and say that I’ve changed? Yes, absolutely. I am no longer afraid of being overly affectionate with the people in my life – they deserve my love and attention every moment I spend with them. I am no longer silent about when the universe amazes me, as it does every single day and always has. When I make decisions that appear to not make rational sense and I am asked “why,” I am fine with saying, “it just feels right,” because that absolutely is a good enough explanation, and one that I should have used many times before now. This was all who I always was, I just kept her quiet. I released a huge fear that was a silent burden on my entire life. Not to mention the fact that my entire perspective on this particular thought had completely shifted, going from allowing it to crush me rather than build me. I allowed what was in me all along to present itself to the world, and let me tell you, incredible things have happened since then. So I’ll end with this note — never let a soul on this Earth suppress that fire inside of you. Your heart speaks every single day and it is your JOB to give that back to the Universe. You being you is the magic that the world needs.