I saw a quote a while back – “write hard and clear about what hurts.” This really struck me, as I often find that I have extremely large thoughts that oftentimes require very careful explanation, or are too large of a concept for words. Not only that, but I’ve grown to realize, after I experienced the biggest heartache I’ve ever had about a year and half ago, that we own our stories and that it is our JOB to learn from them so that we may help others with the same or similar circumstances. Over the years, I have heard many people use the metaphorical image of a book to best describe a moment in time..turning a page, starting a new chapter, writing your destiny etc. When you’re outside of the moment, or even too submerged in the moment, to really care about visualizing, you don’t give this particular metaphor the time of day. However, I grew really attached to the idea of the Book of Life after I used this visual the morning after I felt my world had fallen apart.
I woke up the next morning after my heart had shattered and my future felt completely unknown. I remember laying in bed, not crying, but just totally panicked…I had been so sure of myself, of my life, of my decisions. I went through all the stages of grieving in only a few hours. I often joke about how I have two voices that talk to me at all times; in every thought that runs through my head, there’s always two voices that have opposite things to say. This probably sounds amazingly crazy, but hey, it’s my story and you’ll hear both sides of it.
- So, initially, I was in such shock that my mind completely denied anything had happened, that I was going to blink and things would be exactly how they were just hours ago. One voice just did not accept what had happened (again). It’s very odd to describe how this feels because it’s almost that you don’t feel anything at all; there’s been no change in your system or in your mind, so therefore, it doesn’t validate any sort of reaction. So this side of my brain was completely chilled out, was so sure that everything was “normal,” and that life would proceed per usual. The other voice had a serious problem with this. These two voices interact often and in this particular moment, voice 2 would begin giving voice 1 the mother-speech of “you have to move on, you have to accept it, realize how things truly are and what has really happened.”
- Now that voice 2 started to reign the discussion, I began getting extremely angry. I read somewhere that bad people do exist and people DO in fact do bad things to other people, and that if you were one of those people who could not believe that, then not to worry, you are not one of those bad people. Voice 1 became quiet and voice 2 got very loud. “Bad people do bad things and you are not a bad person.” But why was it that I deserved this? What purpose did this serve in my life? I’ve always believed that everything happens for a reason so…
- …why then? How could I have controlled this situation better? How could I have prevented this from happening? I’ve only recently learned how to release the need to control my circumstances, one of the lessons I have taken away from this awful point in time. Immediately following anger, I began bargaining with myself. Mind you, I had done this OFTEN with this particular situation…what can I do? It took me a long time to realize that there really is only so much you can do before you begin to drain yourself and transform into another person because you literally have NOTHING left to give.
- And with that realization, it made me incredibly depressed. Everything in my body felt heavy and empty. This was when I allowed myself to cry. Every inch of my body, mind, and soul, felt so deeply hurt, so enraged that I allowed this type of pain to be welcome in my life. I then made the intention that I would never again ignore my gut instinct – voice 2 – because, it had been so irritating to my spirit that I had been right all along and had consciously made the decision to ignore myself. Your gut is extremely intelligent. Few people have a gut that speaks to them as loud as mine does to me. Even fewer of those people have the courage to act on that gut instinct because they feel irrational or misunderstood because sometimes you just can’t explain why you feel pulled to making such a decisive conclusion. In that moment of connection with my spirit was when I saw the book.
- Acceptance: Interestingly enough, I to this day do not know where it came from…the book visual. But when I sat in my silence and allowed myself to flow through these five stages so quickly, I saw a book. The book laid open, floating, and I watched it, simply and dramatically, turn a page to the next chapter. I stopped crying and found peace with this visualization. I realized that this moment in time was in no way, shape, or form, the end. This pain I was experiencing was just, simply, a chapter. One chapter. One dinky little chapter. Ha!!! I had the whole rest of my freaking book to live!!
And how exciting is that? That we are all infinite, whole beings, and each moment, every section in our lifetime, in this lifetime, is just simply one chapter of this massive, never-ending book. And how wonderful was it that I got to move onto the next chapter in my story?
I wanted to share this story as my first blog entry as a platform to begin to explain who I am. This experience (although not completely revealed) forced me into recognizing and embracing myself EXACTLY how I am, and supporting that person inside of me that itches for movement and enlightenment. I offer this portion of my story to welcome the same for any of its readers. When your life starts to turn, when decisions feel out of your control, when you experience loss or pain, visualize that page, simply turning, and ending that chapter. Don’t be afraid of change when your heart knows that you have acted and reacted with compassion, honesty, and love. The other side of this shift is bliss. So be sad, and then watch it pass you by, like the turning of a page in that metaphorical book. And allow yourself to start again.